THINGS I HAVE LEARNED: While Traveling

Yes, here at Platypusking Productions, where our motto is 'Strive for mediocrity- at least it's better than failure...', I'm unveiling something new on my blog. Never mind that's been used elsewhere to better acclaim than it will receive here: it all comes from the heart.

Every so often, I will compile a list of things I have learned in the intervening weeks. And to open this off, this inaugural post is entitled:

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED WHILE TRAVELING

1. The coveted aisle seat on an airplane will ALWAYS result in the following:

-Your ankles will be smacked no less than 3 times by the snack and beverage cart
-The back of your head is a target for flight attendants and overweight passengers waddling
to the restroom (note: multiply the amount of smacks you receive by 2 if you happen to be
sleeping)
-No matter where you travel, the passenger in the middle seat will always be talking on their
cell phone prior to take-off and upon landing.
-The conversation of the above is always boring, but must be done at FULL VOLUME

2. Receiving 'the finger' in LA is no longer the vituperous obscenity it once used to be. As a matter of fact, it is now something between a half-hearted threat and a way of saying 'Hi!'

3. If you are ever, for ANY reason, stuck in the Detroit International airport, keep in mind it is actually MORE sanitary to NOT wash your hands after using the bathroom

4. Speaking of Detroit, those roads are where the world's worst drivers are. Presumably, they are either just coming from the airport and are trying to sanitize themselves with handi-wipes, or are on their way there and are trying to put on their Haz-Mat suits en route

5. Wearing a lavender shirt with a charcoal gray suit looks absolutely smashing in San Francisco. In LA, it'll get your ass kicked.

6. When crossing the border from Canada to the US, remember that the guards are trained to ask questions that will throw you off. The easiest way to get through, then, is to ask them questions they aren't prepared for. For example:

- 'What was the nature of your visit, sir?'
- 'Could you scratch my back? Right there... middle down... it itches like hell. I think it's a rash.'
- 'Go on through, sir.'

7. If someone in the service industry- regardless of what it is- does anything that makes your travel experience one iota easier, tip them handily. They deserve it. Their job sucks.

8. If someone in the service industry doesn't do anything to make your life easier, you can bitch about it all you want. They don't care, and will move twice as slow.

9. To avoid fights and marital discord, never offer driving suggestions to your spouse while they are behind the wheel. If you are driving and they offer suggestions, obey them no matter how idiotic the suggestion may be.

10. It doesn't matter if you are the first to the baggage claim and you have plastered your knees against the carousel like they were glued there. Some jackass will always cut in front of you once the carousel starts. Only say something to them if they are smaller than you.