I Am So Conflicted

At night, when all the world's asleep,
The questions run so deep
For such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd,
But please tell me who I am...
- Supertramp


So.

To all intents and purposes, it looks like Barack O'Bama has secured the Democratic nomination.
This is good. This is what I've wanted.

Sorta.

See, here's the problem I've been running into lately. I want to be a liberal. I've always thought of myself in those terms after high school, and my motto has always been 'When in doubt, always lean to the side that is most dolphin-friendly'. But lately it seems that there has been darker, shadowy, conservative side to me that seems to whisper deep within my psyche: 'Screw the spotted wood owl, but not the rich white oil executive'. And it is then that I want to crawl into my clothes hamper and weep.

I guess the biggest conflict of all is that I want to be a liberal, but without having to buy into everything a liberal believes. I guess liberals have been pushed into so many corners that the only thing they can do is become even more zealously devoted to their cause than they ever were before. In many ways, it's much like the church in China in the 80's and 90's: the repeated persecution only galvanized the faith of the Christians, rather than eliminating it. But they weren't as obnoxious, self-righteous and all-knowing like many liberals tend to be.

So, I am terribly, terribly sorry. But like the song lyric above, I simply don't know who I am. A conservative in a hemp t-shirt? A liberal in suit and tie? Here. Just observe my inner conflicts:

1. I DON'T believe in global warming (There... see that? I just lost Al Gore) as an immediate threat. Is it not happening? Sure it is. Did we cause it? Um... ice cores, ancient weather patterns, the waxing and waning of glaciers throughout history make a pretty strong argument that my Ford Escort is not causing the ice caps to melt.

2. I believe in the near-immediate withdrawal of our troops in Iraq, because we were led into that quagmire by a stuttering imbecile and apart from deposing a dictator that we were shaking hands with in the 80's, have accomplished nothing more than fucking up the lives of good Iraqi people (Al Gore just moved a little closer).

3. I believe we either have the most inept, incompetent, technologically retarded military if we can manage to find microchipped lost pets, but cannot find a middle-aged Saudi who has not changed his appearance once since 9/11 and is walking around with an oxygen tank, for Pete's sake. And for the record, I don't think that way about our military at all. Quite the contrary- our people in uniform never fail to inspire me. However, I think our esteemed president-elect, George W. Bush, took our eyes off the ball and waved the red cape of Iraq like a toreador so that he wouldn't actually have to eliminate or prosecute a member of the royal Saudi family (Al Gore now wants to cuddle).

4. I think increasing taxes, particularly at this time, is NOT a good idea.

5. I believe that national healthcare is not only achievable (if we learn from other countries' mistakes), but required for a country with our (previous) largesse. To not have the least of basic healthcare for our citizens is appalling. To have our healthcare costs be double the cost of other wealthy nations is equally appalling.

6. I believe we're already paying for national healthcare already, at least for those who aren't citizens.

7. I believe that the 'No Child Left Behind' initiative actually meant 'we'll dumb down the education of every other kid so the dumbest kid in the class can do the same work at the same level that the smartest kid does'. I also believe George W. Bush WAS that dumb kid back in school, and this initiative was based on his own personal experience. Therefore, under the morass that that initiative propogated, I think we shouldn't have thrown that money at education.

8. I desperately believe that if there is a smart way to use the funds, TONS of money should be thrown at education. And teachers. And re-working curriculum so it actually teaches something.

9. I truly believe we need to lessen and eventually eradicate our dependence upon oil. ALL oil: not just foreign. We're not so dumb, folks, that we can't come up with better a means of powering up our homes and vehicles.

10. I don't believe we should eradicate our need for oil in order to 'clean up our air' (LA notwishtanding, because let's face it: liberal or conservative, that place sucks).

11. I believe our economy is in trouble, and that good people need help.

12. I do NOT believe we are in a recession, based on the conventional definition of 'recession'. Now, while Bush may sound like an idiot when he tells us not to worry, the fact that unemployment has gone down, the market has fluctuated wildly but has always remained at a mean of 12,500, and that we have NOT had two successive quarters of negative GNP growth, means that for the moment he is right. Oh, and in regards to the above good people who need help? I firmly believe that. It's the dumb ones who need to get their whuppin' (what the hell were you thinking, buying into a sub-prime mortgage which, even then, equalled your total monthly take home pay??? Did you think the mathematics of this would work? Clearly, you are a 'child that was left behind'. Why the hell should the government- meaning us and our tax dollars- bail you out?)

I believe that the government that governs least, governs best. I also believe in walking softly and carrying a big stick. I think Jimmy Carter is one of America's greatest heroes, and (present administration excepted) one of the worst presidents we've ever had.

I think it's time for the Bush/Clinton dynasty to move on, the stale air to be fanned away, and new ideas and definitive changes need to be piped through the dusty air ducts of Washington.

But I'm not sure how. I can't buy into any one candidate or party's platform. I can't be liberal because I support the building of new refineries, but I also can't be conservative because... well, hell, the very nature of the word means 'stubbornly resistant to any change whatsoever', and change is so desperately needed.

Someone. Please. Tell me who I am.