The day is drawing close now.
This much anticipated arrival, this long-awaited appearance by Donovan/Auden (what if it's a hermaphodite? Thoughts like these keep me up at night. Not that we might have a dual-sex baby- but rather, if we do, what the heck do we call it: 'Donden'? 'Audovan?') seems to be hurtling towards us now with all the speed of a major league fastball.
As an impending father, I find myself caught between two ways of thinking. The first is, of course, impatience. Is 9 months really necessary? Can't we cut it off at, say, 8? Is there an extra hormone bath that occurs in the 9th month that makes the wait necessary? I mean, aren't we overdoing it just a tiny bit? It's like a pizza, or cookies: if it comes out not completely browned it's still just as delicious, right?
The second, however, is immensely much more practical, if not (at times) more hysterical. It's the side that takes the longer view. It's an odd juxtaposition, this practical hysteria. At various times in the day I will find myself thinking 'Holy ----!!!! This kid is coming quickly!' And run through the checklist in my head of all the things that need to be done.
But then there is the practical side that spills out, and runs directly in conflict with the mother's internal instinct of nesting.
In other words, the parents have two separate conversations going on:
Male, panicking (at 6 weeks out):
- Must look at health insurance policy and determine coverage
- Request from work that no travel be required past the date of --/--/2008
- Start attending wife's medical appointments and ask pertinent questions like 'Now, what's a baby again?'
- Talk with other new dads and determine sleep-to-work ratio, to assess productivity
- Enter directions to hospital into MapQuest or navigation system to insure smooth transfer
- Uh... weren't we supposed to take a 'Lamaze' class or something somewhere in there?
Female, nesting (at 6 weeks out)
- Daily monitor gift-shower registry to see what's coming, and plan accordingly
- Get husband to move a heavy chest of drawers into the baby's room because 'it matches'
- Stand immobile in the baby's room for hours at a time, assessing the impact the chosen colors may have on the baby's psyche
- Drag husband on a Sunday afternoon to 'hell-o-rama' (Babies 'R Us) to purchase playpak and pampers because we 'need to have these things for when the baby comes' which is, as has already been pointed out, 6 weeks away.
So, at this point we now have bedroom ready for a baby (except for soothing butt-cream to assuage diaper rash, which I'm assuming we'll pick up next Sunday afternoon). If the stork were to drop one in our arms right now, we'd be pretty much set to go, with one or two minor things that we missed and could easily be picked up at a local drugstore.
And in regards to the above nesting priorities, I am looking at each one of them and thinking of a rational explanation as to why these things need to be done now.
Practically, I am realizing how much work lies ahead of us, and shouldn't we be spending this time indulging in our favorite activities (eg, napping) because for the next 18 years we can pretty much kiss those things goodbye? Do we really have to postpone the enjoyment of watching football on Sunday afternoon to pick up pampers at this point?
Turns out, the answer to that last question is 'yes'.
I'm learning.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
My Suspicion of the Day
If McCain says 'My friends...' one more time, I am going to think it is a rhetorical device, and that he doesn't really consider me one of his friends.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Getting Political
Since my last blog, detailing the nuances of politician-talk, was met with considerable acclaim (one person responded with a comment, and I happened to be married to her), and since the very future of our country, economy, and our freedom to yell 'COCKROACH!!!" in a crowded theater is at stake (Shouting 'FIRE' in a theater is illegal, unless you happen to be watching 'Shrek: The Musical, in which case you'd be doing everyone a favor), I thought I'd delineate those people who will be voting in this upcoming election. Regardless of what vote you cast, these will be the fools you're going up against.
PARTISIAN VOTERS: These are the individuals who cannot 'see the forest for the trees'. Regardless of character, position, opinion or even whether they are capable of thinking, partisian voters will always cast a ballot for their party's nominee. Never mind the fact that parties change philosophies and stances from time to time: if your party is for 'it', so shall you vote for 'it'. For example, in the matter of slavery, it was actually the Republicans who supported Emancipation (Ashley, Sumner), aided only by one Democrat (Henderson).
This is the same party that would later elect Strom Thurmond (NC) to the Senate, who switched from Democrat to Republican after expressing disgust at the Civil Rights movement. This was a senator whom, as the venerable Wikipedia points out: 'Throughout the 1960s, Thurmond generally received relatively low marks from the press and his fellow Senators in the performance of his Senate duties, as he often missed votes and rarely proposed or sponsored noteworthy legislation.'
Character? Courage? Conviction? Um... only if my party says it's okay.
SINGLE ISSUE VOTERS: These are the voters who are so singularly focused on one political issue that they cannot- 'in good conscience'- vote for anyone else if it opposes their viewpoint, despite the fact that their views are in line with the opponent all the way down to... that single, critical issue. Example:
Candidate's stance:
WAR- Bad
ECONOMY- Needs work
HEALTH CARE- A darn good idea
FISHING OR HUNTING WITHOUT A LICENSE: punishable by death
TAXATION: Cut 'em. Let's see a big screen HDTV in every home in America
'IFFY' ON ABORTION: 'Rot in HELL, you fetus-murdering badger!'
Result: The putative forerunner is dismissed, Al Gore is elected in a landslide, and his entire administration is dedicated to providing air conditioning for polar bears and penguins.
APPEARANCE VOTERS: In 1960, Richard 'Tricky-Dick' Nixon was running for president against the fresh-faced brat from Massachusetts, John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Coincidentally, John F. Kennedy was also running for president against Richard Nixon, which made things very convenient for the voter.
Unlike now, when presidential debates are limited to three (given our shart attention span), Nixon and Kennedy agreed to a series of four debates. What set these debates apart were that they would be televised: the first ever for a presidential debate. Nixon, having recently recovered from a rather lame injury, refused to take time away from campaigning to have a facial done. Or get some sleep. Moreover, on the night of the debate he refused to wear make-up, not wanting to appear... well... gay. Kennedy had no such reservations, and welcomed having his cheeks rouged, thus indicating that he was courting the 'in-the-closet-crossdressing' demographic.
Given his injury, his active campaigning up until a few hours of the debate, and his refusal to wear make-up, Nixon looked haggard and worn during the event. Not that he wasn't on top of his game: people who had listened to the debate on the radio- as opposed to that 'talking-picture box'- felt that he had won the debate. Those watching on TV, however, felt differently. Sweating profusely, looking exhausted, and with a 5 o'clock shadow, Nixon took Kennedy on. However, a rested, tan and 'pancaked and rouged' Kennedy looked scrum-delly-licious to viewers, and the consensus of the TV viewers was that Kennedy won the debate. He had been lagging slightly in the polls until then, but with the novelty of that 'talky-box', Kennedy pulled slightly ahead and eventually won. Slightly. Nixon suspected voter fraud, but unwisely did not suspect Florida, which has managed to botch every single election since.
The moral of the story is that there will be those who- with no understanding of the issues at stake- will vote for the candidate that is 'cuter'. What, you think McCain picked Palin because she was bright?
I VOTE THE CANDIDATE, NOT THE PARTY: Lordy, this sounds good. People who are willing to listen to what each candidate has to say. Wants to view their stance on issues. Hear their proposed solutions. Dis-regard the attack ads sway that try and sway them one way or the other ('McCain has a record of always voting for the wrong thing.' 'Yeah? Well Obama has a record of barely voting!!!').
The trouble with these people- of which I am one- are that they are the ones who really decide the election (Spoiler: I've since decided, unless one of them has the bright idea of spreading our military out even further, and wants to invade Canada. Or cut taxes to corporations on the off-chance that they might use that revenue to keep jobs here in America, rather than using those gains to build manufacturing plants in countries whose name the average American can't pronounce and whose average workforce age is about 12. Oops. Guess I gave that one away).
They are the Missouri-ans, the 'Show-Me' crowd, who don't get excited at balloons dropping from the ceiling at conventions. They want answers, solutions, a course of direction. They won't mind someone who's 'anti-gun' if they're 'pro-education'. They won't require a candidate stand against Roe v. Wade (which will never be overturned anyway) if they're also for fiscal responsibility. There's give and take in politics- a weighing against the lesser of evils, or of the good and the better. They are the gray ones, who refuse to see things in black-and-white because they know (usually from bitter experience) that very few things are that way.
It is they- and not George Dubya- that are the Deciders, and God grant them wisdom come November.
PARTISIAN VOTERS: These are the individuals who cannot 'see the forest for the trees'. Regardless of character, position, opinion or even whether they are capable of thinking, partisian voters will always cast a ballot for their party's nominee. Never mind the fact that parties change philosophies and stances from time to time: if your party is for 'it', so shall you vote for 'it'. For example, in the matter of slavery, it was actually the Republicans who supported Emancipation (Ashley, Sumner), aided only by one Democrat (Henderson).
This is the same party that would later elect Strom Thurmond (NC) to the Senate, who switched from Democrat to Republican after expressing disgust at the Civil Rights movement. This was a senator whom, as the venerable Wikipedia points out: 'Throughout the 1960s, Thurmond generally received relatively low marks from the press and his fellow Senators in the performance of his Senate duties, as he often missed votes and rarely proposed or sponsored noteworthy legislation.'
Character? Courage? Conviction? Um... only if my party says it's okay.
SINGLE ISSUE VOTERS: These are the voters who are so singularly focused on one political issue that they cannot- 'in good conscience'- vote for anyone else if it opposes their viewpoint, despite the fact that their views are in line with the opponent all the way down to... that single, critical issue. Example:
Candidate's stance:
WAR- Bad
ECONOMY- Needs work
HEALTH CARE- A darn good idea
FISHING OR HUNTING WITHOUT A LICENSE: punishable by death
TAXATION: Cut 'em. Let's see a big screen HDTV in every home in America
'IFFY' ON ABORTION: 'Rot in HELL, you fetus-murdering badger!'
Result: The putative forerunner is dismissed, Al Gore is elected in a landslide, and his entire administration is dedicated to providing air conditioning for polar bears and penguins.
APPEARANCE VOTERS: In 1960, Richard 'Tricky-Dick' Nixon was running for president against the fresh-faced brat from Massachusetts, John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Coincidentally, John F. Kennedy was also running for president against Richard Nixon, which made things very convenient for the voter.
Unlike now, when presidential debates are limited to three (given our shart attention span), Nixon and Kennedy agreed to a series of four debates. What set these debates apart were that they would be televised: the first ever for a presidential debate. Nixon, having recently recovered from a rather lame injury, refused to take time away from campaigning to have a facial done. Or get some sleep. Moreover, on the night of the debate he refused to wear make-up, not wanting to appear... well... gay. Kennedy had no such reservations, and welcomed having his cheeks rouged, thus indicating that he was courting the 'in-the-closet-crossdressing' demographic.
Given his injury, his active campaigning up until a few hours of the debate, and his refusal to wear make-up, Nixon looked haggard and worn during the event. Not that he wasn't on top of his game: people who had listened to the debate on the radio- as opposed to that 'talking-picture box'- felt that he had won the debate. Those watching on TV, however, felt differently. Sweating profusely, looking exhausted, and with a 5 o'clock shadow, Nixon took Kennedy on. However, a rested, tan and 'pancaked and rouged' Kennedy looked scrum-delly-licious to viewers, and the consensus of the TV viewers was that Kennedy won the debate. He had been lagging slightly in the polls until then, but with the novelty of that 'talky-box', Kennedy pulled slightly ahead and eventually won. Slightly. Nixon suspected voter fraud, but unwisely did not suspect Florida, which has managed to botch every single election since.
The moral of the story is that there will be those who- with no understanding of the issues at stake- will vote for the candidate that is 'cuter'. What, you think McCain picked Palin because she was bright?
I VOTE THE CANDIDATE, NOT THE PARTY: Lordy, this sounds good. People who are willing to listen to what each candidate has to say. Wants to view their stance on issues. Hear their proposed solutions. Dis-regard the attack ads sway that try and sway them one way or the other ('McCain has a record of always voting for the wrong thing.' 'Yeah? Well Obama has a record of barely voting!!!').
The trouble with these people- of which I am one- are that they are the ones who really decide the election (Spoiler: I've since decided, unless one of them has the bright idea of spreading our military out even further, and wants to invade Canada. Or cut taxes to corporations on the off-chance that they might use that revenue to keep jobs here in America, rather than using those gains to build manufacturing plants in countries whose name the average American can't pronounce and whose average workforce age is about 12. Oops. Guess I gave that one away).
They are the Missouri-ans, the 'Show-Me' crowd, who don't get excited at balloons dropping from the ceiling at conventions. They want answers, solutions, a course of direction. They won't mind someone who's 'anti-gun' if they're 'pro-education'. They won't require a candidate stand against Roe v. Wade (which will never be overturned anyway) if they're also for fiscal responsibility. There's give and take in politics- a weighing against the lesser of evils, or of the good and the better. They are the gray ones, who refuse to see things in black-and-white because they know (usually from bitter experience) that very few things are that way.
It is they- and not George Dubya- that are the Deciders, and God grant them wisdom come November.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Politicianspeak- Translated
Like many Americans, I tuned into the presidential debate this evening. For many, it was an opportunity to hear them speak to one another one last time before they cast their vote. For me, it was because I heard that, like John McCain's choice in a running mate, Obama was going to try and appeal to the undecided female voters by wearing a tasteful dress.
As the proceedings began, I wasn't entirely sure whether I was watching tonight's debate, the one two weeks ago, or if they just decided to save everyone the time and just re-run the first one. I'm sure many others felt the same. Had the network realized the candidates would be saying nothing new, it seemed to me it would have been a great practical joke on the American people if they kept substituting moderators: sending in Gwen Ifill to ask one question, and Tom Brokaw dashing in like a relief-running back to ask the second. But perhaps, wisely, the network decided that the American public was confused enough.
Midway through a yawn, however, I had a sudden epiphany: I could understand these guys! Not in terms of what they were saying, since both were remaining steadfast in their campaign promise that goes something like 'I will never answer a question directly.'
However, there have been enough rhetorical devices and overused vocabulary in these debates, that somehow, for some reason, it clicked for me. I GOT it! And I am proud to share it with you on this blog, all to help you in these last 19 days before we all cast our votes for Ralph Nader.
The format will be as follows: Word or phrase, followed by who said it, and completed with the translation.
Saying: 'New direction'
Said by: Biden, McCain, Obama, Palin
Translation: See 'Change of direction'
Saying: 'Change of Direction'
Said by: Biden, McCain, Obama, Palin
Translation: See 'New Direction'
Saying: 'Gamechanger'
Said by: McCain's campaign advisor and pundits
Translation: 'We're getting our asses kicked. Let's switch to Dodgeball.'
Saying: 'Change'
Said by: Biden, McCain, Obama, Palin
Translation: 'Anything other than Bush.'
Saying: 'Maverick'
Said by: McCain, Palin
Translation: 'NOBODY likes us.'
Saying: 'Reach across the aisle'
Said by: McCain
Translation: Repeatedly putting my hand on the knee of that cute junior senator (D) from New Mexico. So far, he doesn't seem to mind, either...
Saying: 'Joe Sixpack'
Said by: Palin
Translation: Joe, the plumber from Holland, OH. For the record, he's a Cabernet fan and resents the stereotype.
Saying: 'You want to use a hatchet when you need a scalpel'
Said by: Obama
Translation: 'I'm afraid that arm has become gangrenous and must be removed, Mr. Sixpack. Would you like us to use a hatchet for that, or would you prefer a scalpel?
Secondary translation: 'By the way, your health plan doesn't cover things like... anesthesia.
Saying: 'Just three days ago I was...'
Said by: Biden, McCain, Obama, Palin, and any other campaigning politician
Translation: 'I am SO making this shit up.'
Saying: 'Transparency'
Said by: McCain, Obama
Translation: 'Major, costly government oversight that will accomplish nothing.'
Secondary translation: 'Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job.'
Saying: 'Stop giving $700 billion to countries that don't like us very much.'
Said by: McCain
Translation: Editor's note: Wait a sec: Some countries don't like us?!? Name me 30 of them. And you can't say 'France' 29 times.
Saying: 'Sit down with our enemies without any preconditions...'
Said by: McCain
Translation: 'Mark my words: hash, jugs of moonshine, and a depraved orgy... Paid for by
YOU, Mr. Sixpack!!!'
Saying: 'Look at my record.'
Said by: McCain
Translation: 'I DARE you to make any sense of it!!!'
Saying: 'I'm completely open about my association with Mr. Ayers.'
Said by: Obama
Translation: 'He's a cool guy. I just hide the matches when he's around.'
Saying: 'Ooh, look! Shiny!'
Said by: George W. Bush
Translation: 'Ooh, look! Shiny!'
Saying: 'Hockey Mom'
Said by: Palin
Translation: 'I connect with the 138 moms around the country who actually consider hockey a real sport.
The soccer, football and little league moms, however, think I'm a dingbat.'
Saying: 'Pitbull with lipstick'
Said by: Palin
Translation: 'I am a cross-dressing dog.'
Saying: 'I know you're hurting...'
Said by: Obama
Translation: 'That's why I ask you, whenever you visit my web site, to send my campaign
$5 dollars. I've only managed to collect $350 million so far, so clearly, you aren't hurting ENOUGH.'
Next time: we translate 'Dianetics' for you.
As the proceedings began, I wasn't entirely sure whether I was watching tonight's debate, the one two weeks ago, or if they just decided to save everyone the time and just re-run the first one. I'm sure many others felt the same. Had the network realized the candidates would be saying nothing new, it seemed to me it would have been a great practical joke on the American people if they kept substituting moderators: sending in Gwen Ifill to ask one question, and Tom Brokaw dashing in like a relief-running back to ask the second. But perhaps, wisely, the network decided that the American public was confused enough.
Midway through a yawn, however, I had a sudden epiphany: I could understand these guys! Not in terms of what they were saying, since both were remaining steadfast in their campaign promise that goes something like 'I will never answer a question directly.'
However, there have been enough rhetorical devices and overused vocabulary in these debates, that somehow, for some reason, it clicked for me. I GOT it! And I am proud to share it with you on this blog, all to help you in these last 19 days before we all cast our votes for Ralph Nader.
The format will be as follows: Word or phrase, followed by who said it, and completed with the translation.
Saying: 'New direction'
Said by: Biden, McCain, Obama, Palin
Translation: See 'Change of direction'
Saying: 'Change of Direction'
Said by: Biden, McCain, Obama, Palin
Translation: See 'New Direction'
Saying: 'Gamechanger'
Said by: McCain's campaign advisor and pundits
Translation: 'We're getting our asses kicked. Let's switch to Dodgeball.'
Saying: 'Change'
Said by: Biden, McCain, Obama, Palin
Translation: 'Anything other than Bush.'
Saying: 'Maverick'
Said by: McCain, Palin
Translation: 'NOBODY likes us.'
Saying: 'Reach across the aisle'
Said by: McCain
Translation: Repeatedly putting my hand on the knee of that cute junior senator (D) from New Mexico. So far, he doesn't seem to mind, either...
Saying: 'Joe Sixpack'
Said by: Palin
Translation: Joe, the plumber from Holland, OH. For the record, he's a Cabernet fan and resents the stereotype.
Saying: 'You want to use a hatchet when you need a scalpel'
Said by: Obama
Translation: 'I'm afraid that arm has become gangrenous and must be removed, Mr. Sixpack. Would you like us to use a hatchet for that, or would you prefer a scalpel?
Secondary translation: 'By the way, your health plan doesn't cover things like... anesthesia.
Saying: 'Just three days ago I was...'
Said by: Biden, McCain, Obama, Palin, and any other campaigning politician
Translation: 'I am SO making this shit up.'
Saying: 'Transparency'
Said by: McCain, Obama
Translation: 'Major, costly government oversight that will accomplish nothing.'
Secondary translation: 'Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job.'
Saying: 'Stop giving $700 billion to countries that don't like us very much.'
Said by: McCain
Translation: Editor's note: Wait a sec: Some countries don't like us?!? Name me 30 of them. And you can't say 'France' 29 times.
Saying: 'Sit down with our enemies without any preconditions...'
Said by: McCain
Translation: 'Mark my words: hash, jugs of moonshine, and a depraved orgy... Paid for by
YOU, Mr. Sixpack!!!'
Saying: 'Look at my record.'
Said by: McCain
Translation: 'I DARE you to make any sense of it!!!'
Saying: 'I'm completely open about my association with Mr. Ayers.'
Said by: Obama
Translation: 'He's a cool guy. I just hide the matches when he's around.'
Saying: 'Ooh, look! Shiny!'
Said by: George W. Bush
Translation: 'Ooh, look! Shiny!'
Saying: 'Hockey Mom'
Said by: Palin
Translation: 'I connect with the 138 moms around the country who actually consider hockey a real sport.
The soccer, football and little league moms, however, think I'm a dingbat.'
Saying: 'Pitbull with lipstick'
Said by: Palin
Translation: 'I am a cross-dressing dog.'
Saying: 'I know you're hurting...'
Said by: Obama
Translation: 'That's why I ask you, whenever you visit my web site, to send my campaign
$5 dollars. I've only managed to collect $350 million so far, so clearly, you aren't hurting ENOUGH.'
Next time: we translate 'Dianetics' for you.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Our Day So Far...
1. Woke up this morning to discover our cat had vomited on our new bedspread
2. Discovered our coffee maker has a cracked casing, when half of the water actually made it into the pot, while the other half seeped onto the counter
3. Ripped the top casing of our new washing machine's agitator when trying to wash vomit out of new bedspread
4. Ripped the new bedspread during the course of the wash, which still had cat vomit stain
5. Tried to clean stain with a steam cleaner, and later a toothbrush, to no avail
6. Have not heard anything from either our agent or buyer's agent re: the recent, botched, aborted and otherwise idiotic crumbling of our house deal
All this, in a week that saw:
1. The sale of our house go from '100% certain' and 'a one-in-a-million chance' of not closing to
'the deal is dead', when the estranged wife, with no authority to do so whatsoever, swooped in and killed the deal
2. Our landlord firing our property manager and becoming our active landlord. Given that the property manager was a tool, this may not be so bad. However, we may end up with the landlords from hell'
3. Again, paid rent and our mortgage
4. The first tumbling of the inevitable collapse of Wall Street
5. Saw a bill pass to 'shore up' the above, which does nothing to help anyone out, except those who created the mess in the first place
6. Lane Kiffin was fired as head coach of the Oakland Raiders by Al Davis, thus insuring that he will continue his 'Commitment to Excrement'
7. Governor Palin did not entirely fuck up in the VP debate
'And if I laugh at any mortal thing,
T'is that I may not weep.'
- Byron
2. Discovered our coffee maker has a cracked casing, when half of the water actually made it into the pot, while the other half seeped onto the counter
3. Ripped the top casing of our new washing machine's agitator when trying to wash vomit out of new bedspread
4. Ripped the new bedspread during the course of the wash, which still had cat vomit stain
5. Tried to clean stain with a steam cleaner, and later a toothbrush, to no avail
6. Have not heard anything from either our agent or buyer's agent re: the recent, botched, aborted and otherwise idiotic crumbling of our house deal
All this, in a week that saw:
1. The sale of our house go from '100% certain' and 'a one-in-a-million chance' of not closing to
'the deal is dead', when the estranged wife, with no authority to do so whatsoever, swooped in and killed the deal
2. Our landlord firing our property manager and becoming our active landlord. Given that the property manager was a tool, this may not be so bad. However, we may end up with the landlords from hell'
3. Again, paid rent and our mortgage
4. The first tumbling of the inevitable collapse of Wall Street
5. Saw a bill pass to 'shore up' the above, which does nothing to help anyone out, except those who created the mess in the first place
6. Lane Kiffin was fired as head coach of the Oakland Raiders by Al Davis, thus insuring that he will continue his 'Commitment to Excrement'
7. Governor Palin did not entirely fuck up in the VP debate
'And if I laugh at any mortal thing,
T'is that I may not weep.'
- Byron
Thursday, October 2, 2008
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