Politicianspeak- Translated

Like many Americans, I tuned into the presidential debate this evening. For many, it was an opportunity to hear them speak to one another one last time before they cast their vote. For me, it was because I heard that, like John McCain's choice in a running mate, Obama was going to try and appeal to the undecided female voters by wearing a tasteful dress.

As the proceedings began, I wasn't entirely sure whether I was watching tonight's debate, the one two weeks ago, or if they just decided to save everyone the time and just re-run the first one. I'm sure many others felt the same. Had the network realized the candidates would be saying nothing new, it seemed to me it would have been a great practical joke on the American people if they kept substituting moderators: sending in Gwen Ifill to ask one question, and Tom Brokaw dashing in like a relief-running back to ask the second. But perhaps, wisely, the network decided that the American public was confused enough.

Midway through a yawn, however, I had a sudden epiphany: I could understand these guys! Not in terms of what they were saying, since both were remaining steadfast in their campaign promise that goes something like 'I will never answer a question directly.'

However, there have been enough rhetorical devices and overused vocabulary in these debates, that somehow, for some reason, it clicked for me. I GOT it! And I am proud to share it with you on this blog, all to help you in these last 19 days before we all cast our votes for Ralph Nader.

The format will be as follows: Word or phrase, followed by who said it, and completed with the translation.

Saying: 'New direction'
Said by: Biden, McCain, Obama, Palin
Translation: See 'Change of direction'

Saying: 'Change of Direction'
Said by: Biden, McCain, Obama, Palin
Translation: See 'New Direction'

Saying: 'Gamechanger'
Said by: McCain's campaign advisor and pundits
Translation: 'We're getting our asses kicked. Let's switch to Dodgeball.'

Saying: 'Change'
Said by: Biden, McCain, Obama, Palin
Translation: 'Anything other than Bush.'

Saying: 'Maverick'
Said by: McCain, Palin
Translation: 'NOBODY likes us.'

Saying: 'Reach across the aisle'
Said by: McCain
Translation: Repeatedly putting my hand on the knee of that cute junior senator (D) from New Mexico. So far, he doesn't seem to mind, either...

Saying: 'Joe Sixpack'
Said by: Palin
Translation: Joe, the plumber from Holland, OH. For the record, he's a Cabernet fan and resents the stereotype.

Saying: 'You want to use a hatchet when you need a scalpel'
Said by: Obama
Translation: 'I'm afraid that arm has become gangrenous and must be removed, Mr. Sixpack. Would you like us to use a hatchet for that, or would you prefer a scalpel?
Secondary translation: 'By the way, your health plan doesn't cover things like... anesthesia.

Saying: 'Just three days ago I was...'
Said by: Biden, McCain, Obama, Palin, and any other campaigning politician
Translation: 'I am SO making this shit up.'

Saying: 'Transparency'
Said by: McCain, Obama
Translation: 'Major, costly government oversight that will accomplish nothing.'
Secondary translation: 'Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job.'

Saying: 'Stop giving $700 billion to countries that don't like us very much.'
Said by: McCain
Translation: Editor's note: Wait a sec: Some countries don't like us?!? Name me 30 of them. And you can't say 'France' 29 times.

Saying: 'Sit down with our enemies without any preconditions...'
Said by: McCain
Translation: 'Mark my words: hash, jugs of moonshine, and a depraved orgy... Paid for by
YOU, Mr. Sixpack!!!'

Saying: 'Look at my record.'
Said by: McCain
Translation: 'I DARE you to make any sense of it!!!'

Saying: 'I'm completely open about my association with Mr. Ayers.'
Said by: Obama
Translation: 'He's a cool guy. I just hide the matches when he's around.'

Saying: 'Ooh, look! Shiny!'
Said by: George W. Bush
Translation: 'Ooh, look! Shiny!'

Saying: 'Hockey Mom'
Said by: Palin
Translation: 'I connect with the 138 moms around the country who actually consider hockey a real sport.

The soccer, football and little league moms, however, think I'm a dingbat.'

Saying: 'Pitbull with lipstick'
Said by: Palin
Translation: 'I am a cross-dressing dog.'

Saying: 'I know you're hurting...'
Said by: Obama
Translation: 'That's why I ask you, whenever you visit my web site, to send my campaign
$5 dollars. I've only managed to collect $350 million so far, so clearly, you aren't hurting ENOUGH.'

Next time: we translate 'Dianetics' for you.