Fatherhood: What I've Learned So Far

Nearly a month into this whole 'fatherhood' thing, and it's no exaggeration to say it's been as difficult as grad school.

17 years, 11 months to go. Which, coincidentally, is about as long as it took for me to get my bachelors...

I've been asked a great many questions since Auden's birth, usually along the generic lines of:
"So... how do you like fatherhood?"
"How's the baby?"
"Getting any sleep?"
"What's her social security number?"

The nice thing about these questions are that they are generally no-brainers, and can be answered in their respective order by the following answers: "Great", "Great", "No", and "Screw you".

One question I've been asked, however, is what I have learned so far as a new father, and this is a question that requires thought. I've learned so much in this past month, and it's all been a crash-course education. It's much like the time I took Intermediate Greek in seminary during a summer term: two full semesters of a dead language packed into an 8 week corpse... oops- did I say 'corpse'? I meant course.

At any rate, after pondering this question for a few days, I've been able to come up with a few nuggets I've learned, and can pass along.

- It is very difficult to hear the melody and play 'Rock Band' with true verve and accuracy if there is a baby crying. Turning the volume up doesn't help, either. She merely cries louder.

- Despite what every expert says, babies DO have a very acute sense of smell. At least when it comes to freshly laundered and/or new clothes. They will then vomit on them accordingly.

- There is a discrepency in terms of sheer volume when it comes to what goes into a baby versus what comes out.

- It is very easy to be lured into a thoroughly charmed state of bliss when your baby smiles at you. DO NOT BE DECEIVED. The baby is smiling at the fact that it will soon be gushing vomit all over you, or releasing a very toxic fart. Again, experts claim this smile is a result of gas or the workings of their digestive system. This is a lie. It is their sheer delight in knowing that in the next minute or so, you will be completely grossed-out.

- Dr. Phil even annoys babies.

- It is possible to make a pot of coffee one-handed.

- Dad will work in a clutch situation, but in the grand scheme it's mommy that really counts. She's the one with the boob(s).

- The back of a couch is the most fascinating thing in the world.

My mind is suddenly exhausted and just went blank. I don't know where I learned that one from.

Probably from that Greek class.