*Twiddling Thumbs

So far, throughout these past 5 unemployed days, I've gone through just about every mental state imaginable. Based on Kubler-Ross' 5 stages of grief, I've gone from denial/shock to anger, depression and acceptance. Somewhere in there I'm supposed to 'bargain' as well, but in this present situation I'm not sure what to bargain for, unless it means taking a few things to a pawn-shop or selling one of the cats' kidneys.

One thing I hadn't counted on (and which isn't one of the five stages of grieving) is the 'mind-numbing boredom with an explicable craving for Cheetos' stage I am currently in.

It makes sense, though: for the past few years, my days were all pretty much pre-planned. Granted, it was a wacky enough business that you had to improvise at times, but if you had meetings scheduled, you attended them. If you planned to target an area that day, you... er... targetted it. What I mean to say is that overall, you had a plan, and that dictated your time throughout the day.

Now unemployed, that means my raison d'etre has lost its 'raison', and I'm left with the 'etre' part. I've got to have goals, a plan, a reason for being- while simulatneously knowing that it won't bring in any income anyway.

So, in an effort to combat this awful ennui, as well as give me a sense of purpose and 'raison d'etre' (my high school French is certainly coming in handy during this post, isn't it?), I have given myself the following goals to accomplish during this time of unemployment. While technically 'inactive', by golly, I'm going to be proactive!!!

Please note: these goals are not in any particular order

Goal #1: Eat a zillion M&M's

Goal #2: Dissect and analyze every Will Ferrell movie for the hidden, underlying meaning

Goal #3: Pretend we're still in election season, and campaign furiously for Ralph Nader

Goal #4: Take that course in macrame that I always wanted to do, but never had time

Goal #5: Grow a wicked handle-bar moustache

Goal #6: Dress the cats in silly costumes and post pictures to the web

Goal #7: Burn ants with a magnifying glass (weather permitting)

Goal #8: Apply for jobs that are far outside my skill set (e.g. Physics Professor- MIT), and then send nasty follow-up emails asking why they haven't called me for an interview

Goal #9: Find a suitable answer to Pink's existential question 'So What?'

Goal #10: Develop the skill of rubbing my belly and patting my head at the same time

If, during this time, you need to get in contact with me, please call and leave a message. As you can see, I am going to be quite busy for the time being.

The Light... Don't Go Towards the Light!!!

Whoever coined the phrase 'a light at the end of the tunnel' ought to be spanked, because it's a phrase that gives hope to the listener.

In actual fact, however, that 'light at the end of the tunnel' can sometimes be an oncoming train.

For those who have been keeping 'up' on things, you may know that the last 4 months have been difficult for Salome and I. One issue after another has been piled on to our lives that have left us terrified and feeling as if we are without any mooring. And just when you think that things can't get any worse, they suddenly do.

Yesterday, I joined the ranks of the rising percentage of unemployed workers in America, adding that little tidbit to our ever growing pile of worries. And this one... it's a doozy. Yup, that light at the end of a tunnel WAS a train.

But here's the thing: I'm suddenly not scared anymore.

The night before receiving this ghastly news, Salome and I had a shocking fight that was several months overdue. No need to go into the details, other than to say that I had been a complete and utter ass over the past four months- right at the time when my wife needed me the most. During these last four months, I have been angry, resentful, and most of all, terrified. This has caused me to withdraw into my own self. She has felt the exact same way during this time, which caused her to reach out for a husband who wasn't there.

But before coming to this realization, as we stood there yelling at one another, a sudden thought came rushing into my mind: what was this stress I was putting on Salome doing to the baby???

I suddenly became terrified and- in that instance, I believe- became a real father. She and I cried together that night, and held each other into the small hours of the morning.

So I awake, and begin work, only to get the call from my CEO with the news. Gut kick. Panic attack. I am pleased to report, however, that there was no shameless pleading.

Here's why: it is what it is. Externally we are at the mercy of circumstances: the economy, the culture, the decisions of those in authority. These are the things over which I have no control.

But I am not powerless, because there are things I CAN control: I can be a better person. I can be a better husband, a better expectant father. I CAN give my wife the love and support she deserves, and I can look for what is good in this 4 month package of what I had always thought was 'bad'. There is opportunity here, and in this time I can do the things that are right.

Although this is terrifying, this feeling of being cast adrift, perhaps there is one of the greatest blessings of all attached to it: time with my beautiful wife and growing child. To be there fully as a support and cognizant of the blessing that is coming. Perhaps this happened now so that I can fully participate in the things that really matter, being there and living in every moment.

I am sorry, Salome, for being so dense.

PS- I STILL hate trains, though.