Song Lyrics That Are Just... LAME

Hey, I've got artistic roots.

I appreciate that creative spark. That muse. Whatever your medium, baby, spill your soul to the world. Paint it, sing it, interpretive-dance it (well...), write it, yodel it. I don't care. I will not, in any way, stifle it.

Unless it's absolute crap.

Lately, there have been song lyrics bouncing around in my head. I can't get them out. I can't. Can't, can't, can't CAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN'T. Unless I purge them into this blog, pass this curse onto you and make all of you suffer.

And what makes these songs echo and reverberate in my head is NOT because they're catchy, have a good beat, and you can dance to them. It's because whether it be a simple line or an entire refrain, they're just freakin' stupid.

So, in no particular order since they all equally suck, the winners are:

Artist (term used loosely): Plain White T's
Song: Hey There, Delilah
Lyric: Hey there Delilah,
I've got so much left to say,
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all...

Okay, no problems here. Actually quite beautiful. Simple, adoring love song. THAT SUDDENLY SLIPS INTO VICTORIAN ENGLISH in the last line:

Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all.

Comment: Try saying this in plain, everyday language, and you'll get your ass kicked for being 'Poncey'. Thanks, Plain White Dickens. Talk about desperate for a rhyme.

Artist: Fergie
Song: Big Girls Don't Cry
Lyric: And I'm gonna miss youuuuu like a child misses its blanket.......

Comment: Can we say... 'searching for a simile'? It's a stretch, a dumb stretch, and it conjures images of you as a grown up wearing 'Little Mermaid' body pajamas with feet and carrying a teddy bear, but- oh the strength of you!!!!- you're going to grow up now and leave the little pink blankee at home. However, at least it marginally beats your next lyric, which is:

Artist: Fergie
Song: My Humps
Lyric: My hump, my hump, my hump, (Ha) my lovely lady lumps (Check it out).

Comment: Um.... given the obvious regression into the 'women are meat' mentality, I'm not sure how she got away with it. Could you imagine P. Diddy coming out with a song that goes:
My sac, my sac, my sac, (Ha), my hairy scrotum sac (Check it out)...?

Artist: Justin Timberlake
Song: Sexyback
Lyric: Get your sexy on, go 'head and be gone with it.

Comment: Apart from the whole thing not making a lick of sense, I do have to say this in response to the first phrase: Hey Justin, I don't know about you, but I always have my sexy on.
I am currently wearing red panties as I write this.

Artist: Jordin Sparks
Song: Tattoo
Lyric: Just like a tattoo,
I'll always have you (even when I'm an 80 year old grandmother with upper arms the size of hams and a backside that you need a king-size bedspread to cover, and that tattoo is sagging and wrinkled and stuck in my waddles of fat...).

Ah, but then it gets worse:

Lyric: You're still a part of everything I do,
You're on my heart just like a tattoo.

Huh?

Comment: People normally don't put tattoos on their hearts, darlin'. It kind of defeats the purpose- while simultaneously being darned dangerous. And if my being 'a part of everything [you] do' means I'm the equivalent of blue-inked sketch of a lotus flower or some other tramp-stamp, I'm not entirely convinced I'm all that special to you.

Gotta song lyric you hate? Spread the venom. Leave a comment with the lyric.